Self Pity vs. Honoring My Past

Self Pity
Jan 29, 2012 12:30 PMI have been a deep dark place. I have not told anyone. That is a part of my mask. My protection. Why? So what anyone thinks of me is good. Because I am hiding that I do not think of myself as good, as good enough.My heart says: Show up for yourself. Take care of yourself. Stop judging your self.

Self Pity: I have been looking at my life and feeling like a failure and yet I keep going, trying not to be a failure. And I hate myself and what I have let my life become. I lost myself. I lost Noqa. I lost my strength and my beauty and my love. I lost my integrity and my authenticity and my values. I lost my connection to my spirit, to Great Spirit.I lost my hope. I have not been present. I have not shown up for myself or for my life.Because I have been living in self-pity and in self-doubt.This is a way I have not been loving myself…the self-pity I have been indulging in all of my life.

Self Pity is dishonoring myself, looking down on the whole, grand, becoming-at-every-moment-more-capable-self that I am. Pitying myself is a condescending emotion. Rather than looking at the wounds and disappointments of my life as worthy of grieving over, as worthy of my own and other’s compassion, as being of value in shaping my life and my character, I wallow in a view of myself as a small, inept and pitiful human being.There has been a judge for all this time, saying what I have done and been is bad. I beat myself up, torture myself and abuse myself with these thoughts. To tell myself these things does not serve me. To take care of myself is to stop the judging and the self-pity.

I will stop taking a view of myself, and my life as a failure, and will see it as a sacred journey that is shaping my life and who I am. I will honor what my life has been, every part of it even the parts I do not understand.